Chronicle # 1...Warrior Wife

war·ri·or/ˈwôrēər/

Noun: (esp. in former times) A brave or experienced fighter.

When you think of the word warrior, what is the first thing that comes to mind? For most, the depiction of a soldier, or a heavily armed Conan the Barbarian look alike, dressed in leaves and war paint, and stalking his way through the woods with spears and body armor would be the normal assumption. Think Brad Pitt in Troy…yep, that pretty much sums it up. A little dramatic I know, but you get my meaning. More often than not the word warrior is basically used to describe someone with incredibly great strength, agility, focus, and in most cases skills that pretty much defy nature. A warrior is someone you would imagine as strong and physically and mentally able to overcome anything set before them. A real warrior not only posses physical strength, but is also mentally and emotionally sound when facing a battle, or tough decisions.

Do you get where I’m going with this?

Of course you do, because if you are anything like me, the term warrior is probably pretty fitting to your own characteristics when facing the day to day challenges of being partner to someone with PTSD.  Whether you are a Vet spouse, active duty military spouse, or parent or friend of either or the two, I bet my lunch money that if you really evaluated your day in day out challenges when battling PTSD, you will agree that the term Warrior is not just an appropriate title, it’s also necessary. Why? In my case, I feel the necessity to remind myself of what the word warrior means to me, and how it correlates with my current circumstances. Not only am I fighting the battles of my day to day life;10 hour days at work, trying to go back to school, raising our extremely energetic daughter, and trying my best to manage our finances and our household, I’m also responsible for keeping my brave husband sane enough to continue his treatment as well as continue his fight with PTSD. Sound like a lot? Well it is…A LOT. It’s a huge responsibility, which is why sometimes I have to stop and acknowledge just how many moving pieces I juggle on a daily basis. My reason for my acknowledgement is simple; I give myself credit for my efforts, to allow myself reassurance when things become unbearably discouraging.

Here’s what I mean by this.

When you have as much going on as I do, if you feel the way that I do, you can understand the feeling of sometimes doubting yourself, or feeling like there is no silver lining awaiting in the shadows. I have those moments where my worries, and fears of PTSD build questions that shake the very foundation of my emotional stability to the core. Questions like Will his anxiety attacks ever really stop? Or Will the group therapy sessions he’s going to even work? There are even moments where I think How long before we get back to feeling normal again? These questions begin to fester, and build, and eventually make my everyday battles seem hopeless. And it’s the hopelessness that causes the real damage. The hopelessness is what makes me feel like I can’t go on. Do I have the answer to these questions? No, but that doesn’t mean that obtaining an answer would change my circumstances for the better either. I can’t just rely on hoping for answers, so instead, in those darkest of moments is when I like to remind myself of who I am really. I am a warrior. I am strong enough to get through the rough patches, I am a fighter, and we will overcome PTSD. It’s in these moments that I remind myself of everything I do on a daily basis, because knowing what you are capable of accomplishing is not only encouraging for future endeavors, it gives you back what you need most to continue to support your spouse through this difficult time…Courage. And Courage my ladies and gents, is the defining line between losing yourself in this battle, or pushing through and refusing to allow PTSD to damage you, your loved one, or your family. Courage is the key to moving forward. It isn’t just defined by your ability to fight, it is also an intricate part in acceptance of your limitations, and ability to humble yourself and ask for help when needed. And besides, what good warrior have you ever met that didn’t have courage? That would be a nada captain.

It’s these simple moments that help me beat back my doubts, and keep my eye on what’s most important; supporting my husband, being the rock for my family, and staying positive even when things seem so bleak. Remember how I said a warrior’s strength isn’t just physical but mental as well? Makes sense now doesn’t it.

So…does the term warrior fit you?

Leave me a comment and tell me all about your warrior stories.