Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The Long Road

Well, it has been some time since I last wrote. Things have happened. Things have changed…

In May, my mom went in for a mammogram. She got called back in., "I'm sorry to tell you K, but you have breast cancer." My world was shaken upside down. In a whirlwind of time, my mom was diagnosed, going to specialists and prepping for a bi-lateral mastectomy. My grandmother has also had BC twice, once on each side. So, when my mom was diagnosed, she had options. Lumpectomy, remove one side or remove both. She made the courageous decision to have both of her breasts removed. She didn't want to worry about having to go back every 6 months, to go through the anxiety of "what if". She was able to go through the genetic testing to see if she carried the gene, and by the grace of God, she doesn't carry that gene, which means that I most likely don't, which means my girls most likely don't. (((DEEP SIGH OF RELIEF))) Well, we prepared for what was to come next. 
So, now we start June 

The day before my mom went in for surgery, my husband was at an event with WWP. At the event (touted to be a motivational thing, not a physical thing) a guy was demonstrating a martial arts move with my husband, and instead of just demonstrating he came down on my husband full force and fractured one of his ribs. So, the next morning, my mom went in for surgery. All went well, with a couple of "surprises" that kept her under for 2 extra hours. But all went smoothly and (shockingly) she came home that day. Yes, now they have finally realized that recovery at home is actually a good thing. We got my mom home and settled and comfy. And then, I had to take my husband into the ER. 

His chest was in incredible pain. And with his burn-pit exposure from down range, he has a decreased lung capacity, so he already has issues breathing. Well, when we got to the ER, they took us back into a room. The room they took us into just so happened to be the same room, where 3 years ago, my grandfather passed away. I was with him in that room when he took his last breathe. I was overcome with emotion, to say the least. They did x-rays and a MRI, and from what they saw, he was possibly looking at emergency surgery. However, at that hospital, they cannot handle his type of case, so they had to transfer him to another hospital. At the next hospital, they did more x-rays and another MRI. There was a lot of internal bleeding, or so thy thought, so they had to keep him for observation. Luckily, there was only internal bruising, he was not bleeding internally. 

During this time, this last few days of my life, I kept saying "I can't handle anymore". I used the analogy of the unknown strength that comes over a mother to remove a car from on top of her baby, that energy, that rush of adrenaline, was the ONLY thing that i was working with. I hadn't slept in days. I wasn't able to eat much. And during this time I'm still helping to take care of my mom, to lessen the work for my dad. I'm still taking care of my husband, who really can't do a lot of anything because of the pain. I'm still taking care of our daughters, the littlest is still nursing. I'm still taking care of our house and animals. (I must stop here and mention that at some point in the first week of June, our cat went missing and we have still yet to find her) I'm still trying to find time to sleep, ha ha ha 

My mom has a couple more procedures during the month. But her recovery is going along very well. She is healing well, and her doctor informs her that he is very confidant that he got all the cancer out. She is now, and still,  in the process of going through the next phase of the journey. She is now getting ready for chemo. This woman has the strength that only God can give you. She has come through this with such joy and high spirits. I am in awe of her. I know that is  with God and only God that she has made it through all of this with such grace! 

All during the month of June, I kept saying "I can't handle anymore", " I just can't do this". Well, God knows me better than I will ever know myself. He knows just how strong He made me. And He also has a sense of humor. 

I have a great friend who is an amazing photographer. I've actually know her since I was very little, she was one of my babysitters. Every so often I help her out with events and projects. We have a GREAT bartering system. I "work" for her, and in return I get professional pictures of my family and an amazing discount!! (I'll put in her website at the end of this, in case you need a good photographer) Well, one of the last days of June, I was scheduled to work with T. I had an appointment  just before going to work with her, so I was looking great walking into the office! The first time in a long time that I had put makeup on, done my hair and looked better than the "crappy jeans and tshirt with a messy bun" look that I normally go for. I was feeling amazing about myself and looking good!! Well, God and His sense of humor decided to pop up just as I was walking into the office.

TCF. Of all the people in all the places. I was walking through the parking lot, just about to walk through the breezeway to go into the office. And there I am stopped dead in my tracks. Probably looking like I had just seen a ghost. I couldn't move my feet. All I could do was stare. My daughters biological father was sitting right there in front of me. well, he was sitting off to the side and somehow I mustered up enough to move my feet so he couldn't see me watching him. I just stopped and watched him, he was talking to a woman. She walked back into the building, and he started off for the parking lot. I had to talk to him. I hadn't seen this man in over 8 years. And the last time I had seen him, it was not the best parting. The last time he had seen my child was almost 10 years ago.

We talked for about 20 minutes. It was one of those times that you never think is going to happen. I know I've had so many unanswered questions. And I finally got to ask him. Does he think about her? Does he care about her? Did he regret signing the adoption papers? Is he ok? I got to ask, and he actually answered. The best thing he ever did for her was walk away. Just looking at him, you could see the drugs had done quite a number on him.He used to have this amazing smile, and ow all thats left is a mouth without teeth and the faint hint of a person who used to be in there. And he was ok. Just ok, but at least ok. I saw the reason God took him out of our lives. God answered that question that had lingered in the back of my mind for so many years. I said goodbye. And as I was walking away (still shaking, mind you) I knew that I had just closed that chapter. Finally, after all this time, I got to close that chapter in a way that I wasn't left with more questions.

God has a funny way of showing us things. And for some of us, who do't get it, He puts it right in front of us, in the flesh so that we can see it, feel it, hear it And still know that it's Him. My God has given me the very best. I don't praise Him enough for all He has done for me. He has opened up doors to things I would have never thought possible. He has closed doors on things that I fought so hard to have open, and all because He needed to protect me. If not from the person or situation, at the very least from myself. 

Has God done things like that in your life? Have you ever had that very blunt, in your face answer? Well, God knew what He was doing when He created me. He created me to be strong. Stronger than I even know. He created me to be passionate, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving, kind and extremely emotional.  He created me to go through the toughest parts of life, and come out victorious on His shoulders! 

So, now we move into July

The 4th of July is always a little difficult around our house. With the Hubbs PTSD, it can be interesting. My birthday is this month, and I am SO blessed that I get to spend it with Ayana, who's birthday is just 2 days before mine! The big kid starts her cheer practice again and later this summer gets to go to Summer Camp (a whole week away)!!! The little kid is getting in her 2 year molars and is not dealing with it well. My mom is gearing up for chemo beautifully. 

Then theres me. I am stressed, blessed and taking one step at a time. I thank God for my blessings and lean into Him when the stress gets to be too much. Thanks God for having such great timing, in all things.

Listening to: Z and L watching cartoons
Word: Phillippians   4:!3 "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."


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